Often times there are moments in life when I feel completely fenced in by my reality, and my thoughts are only of doom and cynicism. For those of you who don't know me personally I am a tad bit high strung sometimes. I can easily turn my reality into a major catastrophic event to which I believe there is no end in sight, and we might as well get down in a bunker and prepare for imminent death!
Insert DEEP BREATH here
But, upon saying that I tell ya I am very lucky gal in alot of ways and one of the biggies is that I have a husband who has the ability to calmly explain that what I believe IS my reality.. really is just how I VIEW my current situation.
It sorta clicked yesterday. (now just because I say it clicked doesn't mean I am a changed person..I'm sure I'll have my mental moments ;) But I would like you to join me on my journey of changing how we view reality and life.
My blog yesterday that I sadly deleted was about life, God, and Christianity. I was ranting on the point of it all; the point of trying to be good, trying to be perfect, trying to do what is right. I grew up believing that God created us, that our life on this earth would not be perfect. I grew up believing that if we believed in Jesus, confessed our sins, proceeded with baptism that we became a child of God. (side note if God created me..wasn't I already his child why do i need the rituals?;) If you go with the O.S.A.S. (once saved always saved) then I did what was required of me now let me just do what I want without the guilt!
I just got sick of trying.
I did the whole eat, sleep, and breathe Jesus thing. I did the whole..wait for it ...wait for it.. Yo, Jesus I'm WAITING like you told me and uhh...wait are you on channel 1 or channel 2?!? Crap I must have been tuned into the wrong station this whole time..So I guess I'll just make a decision already! Ok, wait a dang minute I waited, I made a decision that I believed was what you wanted me to do BUT..it benefited someone else!! NOT ME! (when i said more of you and less of me I did not mean that financially)
So not only did I not hear,... I made the wrong decision?? OR..was that part of a plan you neglected to tell me about. Whatever it was it left me in a bad spot my man.
Every avenue I turn down leaves me with less than I started! (or so it seems) You can see where my paradigm is forming.
Why try to be perfect in an imperfect world. Now hear this..now hear this..Its a set up!! In my moment of: forget it all.. my life is over.. there is no way out of this mess we're in and my life is a crazy train on a circle track! I signed up for the fun merry go round and got THIS!
In my moment of meltdown my husband says something to this affect..Your life is not as atrocious and loathsome as you are making it out! Who invited this guy to my pity party!?
Here is where the pep talk begins. You have two healthy girls a happy marriage and a beautiful home...this is just a minor blimp in this thing called life that we do together. Its not the end it's only the beginning. You need to change your paradigm! (Well now don't I feel silly!! all along I just needed to change my stinkin thinkin HA I laugh sarcastically) So you mean to tell me that all I gotta do it see things more positive? I don't know about you folks but things in my life ARE as I perceive them. I hope you have someone to help you slow down take a deep breath and see the positives of where you are. Because when I'm in my "gloom despair and agony on me" routine I can't see them. So I decided to take this opportunity and with the prompting of my husband I WAS (much to my disbelief) able to calm my insanity and take a step back and see the bigger picture.
I am the captain of this eccentric ship and he is my "Bones" telling me "its LIFE Jim, but not as we know it" so loose your current paradigm.
Crissy,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you posted it, and it's not nearly as ranting and rattled as you might think. Doubts are normal, life is unpredictable...just show up to life and be you. That's it. Bring the best you can to each day. Some days you'll be proud of what you brought...some days, disgusted. But it was the best you could manage that day, and at the end of the day, it's over, and you get a brand new chance the next day.
The most important things are your mom role, your marriage, and your personal gifts to share. Everything else is the small stuff.
You might enjoy Gretchen Rubin's blog on "The Happiness Project". She has a great thing on how she learned to "be Gretchen".
Have a good day, girl. Thanks for sharing.